Wow. It feels like forever since I’ve been blessed with the time to sit back here within the trenches of free time to simply let loose and type until my fingers bleed (Figure of speech, of course). This past week I was blessed with one of life’s many trials to overcome, what with a full seven days brimming over with assignments, examinations, performances (or as I prefer to call it, ministry) and sprinkled with the little thing I like to call emotions.
Sadly enough, I wasn’t altogether successful in my conquests.
My exams were sloppy, my items lacking the quality I wanted to tease out of them, assignments done not so well, and in the midst of all this, little old me was like a puppy that finally caught the car that I’ve been chasing so long after; I had no idea what to do. As if that wasn’t bad enough, my “car” wasn’t your standard Bugatti Veyron or even a classic Dodge Viper… It was the broken down, rusted shell of a nameless sedan with ripped up upholstery, soiled hubcaps, a leaking transmission and a radiator that gushed so much water out while driving that the already limited trunk space had to be crammed with water bottles of varying shapes and sizes just to get from point A to point A and a half. Having said all that, I really should look into finally getting my driver’s license…
The point was thus: I found myself in a place where there was nothing left for me to do, say or try. I simply just couldn’t do it any more. In my life, there are a lot of people who look up to me. There are some who think I’m talented, smart, handsome (well hey, why not), and the list goes on and on as the people do at times about what they think I am. But not then. Then and there, in that eclipse of all the things that one lit all these colourful tones that apparently beamed out from my existence, that I felt rather wretched.
“In a deplorable state of distress or misfortune; miserable” – the first meaning I found in the next tab of the word wretched. A fairly accurate depiction of what I felt, but still lacking substance to my state…. perhaps, some words to add to that would be useless, inadequate, foolish, lazy, self righteous, confused, disparaged… now those words are some good words. I hope they could paint the backdrop of what I was going through, and really etch the contours of the molehills that made up my mountain.
But enough of that, let’s get a bit into the foreground. In all of this, I felt this overwhelming feeling of loss. not just losing that joy and determination to press on, but feeling lost myself. I was fortunate enough to have to perform It’s just not me in IVCF, a Christian group in my school, and by the grace of God I was able to recall that certain truth, that all this- this shut down car, molehill mountain, gloomy sky, just broke up with my neice’s pet dog Jimmy – was just the silhouette of reality that the devices of my wretched mind prepared for me. The light that once beamed from the inside of me was never of my own illumination, but like the moon, I was hoping for the sun’s light to be reflected both inward and outward. Having lost sight of that, I was just like Peter when he took His eyes off of Jesus.
I still ended up falling short after this, and even now the pangs of defeat leave a certain soreness in my muscles. However, with no soreness, there’s no growth; With no failure, success is but a falsehood that eases your shallow mind and feeds your brazen ego. So who knows what this life has in store? Does it matter if I have all the answers? I think it doesn’t, since I do know someone who does. Thank God for being who He Is! I will continue to fight and bear the struggle, for no longer do I have to bear it alone.
Romans 7: 23-25
“But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.”