The lights are off, and I sit with my headphones on doing nothing but simply enjoying the company of my fan and the few mosquitoes that refuse to leave me alone. A light flashes not to far from me; facebook calling, no doubt. But I’ll ignore it. Even though as I think about it now, the constant blinking is driving me insane, but nothing like a well planned repositioning of self to block it from sight, am I right?
It has indeed been a while since I last returned to this place. With everything blotted out, listening to my heart say the things that’s been troubling it while I spend the time trudging through life’s struggles, ignoring it because I don’t have the time to. You know you’re pretty tired of fighting when right after waking up from a power nap your troll of a brain asks you highly philosophical questions, like what is the purpose of existence, before you could even properly boot up yourself…. no? That’s just me?
Very well then.
So much has happened since I was last able to bleed my feelings on what used to be paper but now has upgraded to this space I call home, my laptop. Relationships came and went. Responsibilities donned like capes while everyone else sees you and thinks you’re Superman or something, and the joy of living alongside the few who see you for the Clark Kent that you are. Each and every day a puzzling yet amazing experience that you wish you could have in slightly weaker doses, but hey… this brew of lemonade’s far better than a lot out there, so who am I to complain, right?
In most recent days, I’ve been thinking much about life. I’m almost at the end of my tenure as a university student, and before I know it, I’ll be tossed into the world with nothing but a piece of paper and a gown that’s supposed to somehow feed, clothe and shelter me for the rest of my days. I’ll admit, it’s pretty scary. I don’t even have my driver’s license yet (it’s a long story, but eventually turned into me making excuses to not get it) and this whole responsibility thing never stopped being surreal to me. These days I’m so busy that I hardly have time for my own family… what’s to happen when i decide to leave this house and start one on my own? Believe you me, employment’s probably one of the last thing’s on my mind. God has blessed me with it before, and He can do it again, so I’m not afraid 🙂
I’ve been thinking more about purpose. What am I doing with this life? Is what I’m doing now remotely related to my future? I sure hope so. Above all things, I want to serve Jesus Christ and His Kingdom with my life, and I don’t think that anyone would like to find out that what they’ve been doing is a complete waste of their time. At best, I’m confident that what I’m going through in this life right now has been and continues to shape me for whatever God has called me to do, and of that I’m sure. I would like to hope that wherever this life takes me, however, that a little Computer Science is useful, you know?
In recent days, I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to do a Spoken Word, both on campus and in my church and I was supposed to do it again tonight at a concert, but the concert itself got postponed till a few weeks from now due to unforeseen circumstances. The thing is, I wasn’t exactly sure I was going… I was given two tickets to go initially, and was planning to carry someone along with me but due to transport restrictions, they were unable to attend. I had some ideas of a backup guest or two, but it really didn’t help me to desire to go in any case. It would definitely have been a rough day for me today, and so the inertia to overcome in order to carry it out was great.
Last night we had a talent night in church. Within the service, I was reminded of the reason behind doing everything that I do; to the glory of God, and nothing else. I resolved to go then, even if I was to go by myself. It didn’t matter to me. It was in that moment (or perhaps some moments after when I recalled the experience) that I was reminded of something. I am His beloved son. He loves me. To you, that probably is totally unrelated to this, but to me, it means everything.
You see, growing up, I wasn’t the outgoing person that people perceive me to be. I was a lost, lonely kid looking to find company among those around me, and never quite found it. That’s when God, in His splendour and indescribably awesomeness, told me that I was His beloved son. I never forgot that moment, and from then onward, have always labelled myself as such in my heart. Whenever God calls me like that, I know He’s serious, and that I honestly need a reminder of it. So i remember all that I’ve been through, and in the midst of the loneliness I’ve been feeling recently, It’s nothing but good to hear that 🙂
It’s not often that you feel burdened with glorious purpose like that, so when you do, you make sure to make it count. I’m reminded of who I am, in His eyes. Frankly, that’s the only thing that matters. In the midst of it all, I remember who I am now, and that I have work to do here. The chaos grows strangely dim, even though it’s very much apparent, but you know what, it’s okay. Because He’s with me. And in His presence, there is fullness of joy, and at His right hand are pleasures for evermore (Psalm 16:11)
So, here I am, once again. If you missed me, I missed you too 😉 Hope you’re encouraged to fight on, as I’ve been. I love you guys!!! 😀 Have a blessed day, night, and everything in between…. Ciao!