A story that the world should hear :’)
On January 10th, 1996 something amazing happened. I was born. I Brittney Harris, took my first breath of the world outside of the womb. I was a healthy baby girl. It was a joyous moment, that is what people would describe it as. However my story is quite different from a lot of people. Some of you may be able to relate and some maybe won’t. Some may screw up their “pan” at my story and some may sympathize with me. Quite frankly, I don’t care about your reaction, I just want to paint a perspective from a point of view of a child that merely has a voice in a situation. A child that was born out of wedlock, a child that was born through adultery or in Trinidadian slang, the outside child.
From the outside child perspective:
Why do we suffer for our parents’ mistakes? Just…
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I know I’m not okay
That I need a measure of grace to survive
That in these eyes, I’m selfish.
I’m filthy, corrupt and in need of someone
To lead the way.
It was never a question of if I could.
But how long I could last before I recognized
That I was empty.
Full of interests, hobbies and the like
Occupied but lifeless nonetheless.
I need You to breathe into me.
Take me to that place where shackles are but imaginations
And not the sorcery that my mind conjures
To rapture me to the heavens of my ignorance,
That I’d be flying in lonely skies.
Only to be brought low to the mammoth of a graveyard
That is my failure.
Decrepit. Desolate and dry.
Consume me to the point where there’s no me left
Just a brain seeking zombie
Craving wisdom, beginning with the fear of the Lord
Taking baby zombie steps, thrilled to know
That my paths are finally straight and narrow
With no emotion but the passion You’ve shared for ages
The one that makes me blush.
Even when I live in my darkest days,
You still teased a smile from my lips.
Well I’m standing here now,
Limp from life’s waves.
Crashed against the bluffs of my self righteousness.
You’ve taken me to Your shores countless times
But I guess I squint too much when the sun’s in my eyes.
My heart is Yours. You know that.
But now I surrender my mind to You, my will.
My fleshly desires and the lusts that remain still;
Take them, for I never did that much with them anyway,
And I know You know far better what You’re doing.
Hold my hand, and guide me.
Bear with me, for I’m prone to stumbling.
Help me to rise again every time,
And please… please don’t let me go.
I died today. I lost my life. It happened quite suddenly actually… after staying up on campus till about 10pm and deciding to travel home, it wasn’t quite something I expected. I hopped out the taxi and was walking home.. and then it just… happened.
Death and I have had our fair share of conversations. It was never an easy talk. After all, life and were pretty awkward too, so it was no wonder that I wasn’t quite the sociable person. Life was always the weird one. Nobody every really understands him. we’ve had our quarrels recently. He’s been so overbearing and it’s been taking it’s toll on me. I could barely stand him! I often wondered why I even know him at all….
So yeah. You’re probably really confused right now, or thinking that I’m contemplating suicide. But I’m not…. really, I’m not! But life and I have been having our quarrels. It’s no surprise that I’ve contemplated many times the meaning of life. I always see through these eyes… feel with this skin. taste with this tongue. I may not be the centre of the universe or anything, but to me, the world only exists through what I see. No one can understand what I go through, simply because no one truly knows.
Except me, and God.
I’ve had many ambitions in life, believe you me, albeit that most were quite capricious. Even so, to me they were real. At the end of every stick I pull in casting my lot in life however, the same things hold true. I exist, and one day, I will no longer exist here on this earth. Now pardon my idiocy for a moment, but all science is stupid. I study Computer Science, so I should know. There is no way that an incomplete thought could ever explain an undiscovered universe. The conversion of energy from a chemical state to kinetic and thermal (if that’s even correct) could never fully elucidate the wonder of me being able to move my feet. I guess ignorance is truly bliss, huh?
I must be some kind of happy nut case to think that the beauty my senses behold was randomly generated for my sensory pleasure. To me there is simply too much genius behind it. I know that my God, Jehovah God, made all of this. That He set these rules into motion that govern my lack of super powers, no matter how much I may want them. Who am I to come before this mighty, eternal and all powerful Creator, just to bring him a grocery list of wants and needs and expect Him to respond? That is utter garbage to me. To me, I am utter garbage compared to Him.
But not to Him. He called me His beloved son. He made me, and thus only He has the right to say who and what I am. Not even I have that right, neither do I want it.
So yea, I died today. I died when I realized how superficial, trivial and significantly small my ambitions in life were in . I died when I realized that this all powerful, all knowing God would know waaay better what is good for me, and that while my heart may long for it, He may have something better in mind. I died when I realized that my desires were getting in the way of His desires for me. So I threw it all away. It simply didn’t make sense holding on to my struggles, hurts pains and wants, because if I have Him, I have everything I could ever want or need.
Matthew 16:25 says that whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me (Jesus) will find it. What is even worth saving in my life anyway? At the end of the day, I can’t carry it to the grave with me.
So what about you? Is your life worth saving? Just something for you to think about. Have a blessed night folks 😀
I love ya’ll 😉
Shackles released on a heart bound by self,
It has been left open to you.
Holding true to that one law of non-science
That if you place two hearts together, they will bond.
Locks of love spin round n round
Like a sewing wheel; a sepia of nostalgia
Plucking on the ties formed whenever I think of you
Which seems more to me like strumming
For the vibrations I’ve had have never felt so melodious before
I don’t have to be anyone else
I don’t have to wear the pelt of some dead carcass
That harbours live feelings and bated breathing
Hoping that you’d fall for this road kill…
Simply being who I am helps me appreciate who you are,
And love every second we spend together.
The laces you knitted round my heart
Tied my shoes together and alas, I fell in love with you
And now I’m skipping, giddy and clumsily like a slinky down the stairs
Embracing the experience that is you.
I love to make you laugh,
To hear your squeaky noises you playfully make
To taste of every note that parts from your lips,
Each recorded in the scrapbook of my memories.
To see your passion for God Almighty,
Holding on despite the world of hurt you went through;
A world I may never come to truly understand
To know that you love Him is lovely
And it nested in who you are
If I tried to state everything I admire,
I’d probably be at a loss on where to start.
So let me finish by saying
You are not meant to be held
Within the cage of my affection.
If anything, it would be within my arms,
Where you’re free to leave or remain.
You are free to fly to the heights that you seek,
Regardless of the fact that you stretch beyond my skies.
One day, I hope, however,
Is that you’d be the tune for this refrain
The melody of this three worded clichéd lyric.
That at the end of this intertwined journey…
You’d be there to help me sing it.
It’s just before 8am. I’m alive. I’m breathing. I have a big God who loves me, and will help me through the day. Today, there is no cannot. Today, there is no struggle that is too great, because Jehovah is greater. He has all the answers, and will make a way for me even when there seems to be none.
Today, I am happy. I simply choose to be so. There are many wonderful people around me that I take for granted at times, but today, I am thankful for them. For those who hold my hand along life’s journey when it gets too rough for me, and for those who make life a little more enjoyable. For she who makes my heart tinge with youthful and blissful anxiety, and for He Who makes my heart to beat every hour of every day. Today, I have problems. I have challenges; but today; I challenge my challenges. I am up to the task. I will overcome today.
Today, I WILL make a difference.
I refused to ignite coals
Afraid to let flames consume me
Afraid to be burnt.
Barely grasping the radiance of you,
I knew it be inevitable if I did.
So I locked down the hearth of my heart
Chained with gleeful ignorance,
Thinking that time and work experience
should douse these stifled embers
But then I remembered
Just as I beheld you
Like dams bursting through
Rushes of blood making cheeks rosy
Exposing the phoney
That giggled within my facade
You playfully disarmed me
Made shackles to rubble
With a chuckle toying with these emotional chains
Skipping rope with innocent games
For your heart is truly tender.
Devices broken down, left to sift through
pieces of ambition, simply to find you
Sitting there, hands folded in lap
With a smile on your face.
And so I share a grin in return
Awkwardly spanning my lips
such as to not reveal the grit
of teeth gnashing at the feelings I hide
Because I can’t let them slip away…
At least not today.
Nevertheless, I peer into the mirrors of your soul
Staring back into mine
Warmly gazing for reasons unknown
Heart’s hearth kindled
Cooking up the feelings swindled from
My innermost turning to pot roast instantly
Instantaneously firing off signals to my brain
To consider you fully.
Not just to consider me.
To consider the way you easily
Tease smiles from my circumstances
Sing to the thumps of a heartbeat
In perfect harmony
Without the dissonance of distance
To dictate the pace at which my heart should race
The way you jauntily play the cards
Matching suit with mine
The two-pair to compare
That edges me over slightly every time
Even when I trump with my joker.
I refused to cast my net
Afraid to draw fish like knives
Jabbing the instability that was me
But now I see
That I am ready
To pull the daggers myself to scar if need be
For such is the insanity of love.
And to that end.
I will wait. Storms may rise,
And clouds may always be grey,
Yet I shall stay.
Because beholding you with these eyes
Has made me to understand
How much you are worth.
So I will wait for you,
With these coals live within my heart,
And should you find worth in me,
We’d both wait, till death do us part.