I died today. I lost my life. It happened quite suddenly actually… after staying up on campus till about 10pm and deciding to travel home, it wasn’t quite something I expected. I hopped out the taxi and was walking home.. and then it just… happened.
Death and I have had our fair share of conversations. It was never an easy talk. After all, life and were pretty awkward too, so it was no wonder that I wasn’t quite the sociable person. Life was always the weird one. Nobody every really understands him. we’ve had our quarrels recently. He’s been so overbearing and it’s been taking it’s toll on me. I could barely stand him! I often wondered why I even know him at all….
So yeah. You’re probably really confused right now, or thinking that I’m contemplating suicide. But I’m not…. really, I’m not! But life and I have been having our quarrels. It’s no surprise that I’ve contemplated many times the meaning of life. I always see through these eyes… feel with this skin. taste with this tongue. I may not be the centre of the universe or anything, but to me, the world only exists through what I see. No one can understand what I go through, simply because no one truly knows.
Except me, and God.
I’ve had many ambitions in life, believe you me, albeit that most were quite capricious. Even so, to me they were real. At the end of every stick I pull in casting my lot in life however, the same things hold true. I exist, and one day, I will no longer exist here on this earth. Now pardon my idiocy for a moment, but all science is stupid. I study Computer Science, so I should know. There is no way that an incomplete thought could ever explain an undiscovered universe. The conversion of energy from a chemical state to kinetic and thermal (if that’s even correct) could never fully elucidate the wonder of me being able to move my feet. I guess ignorance is truly bliss, huh?
I must be some kind of happy nut case to think that the beauty my senses behold was randomly generated for my sensory pleasure. To me there is simply too much genius behind it. I know that my God, Jehovah God, made all of this. That He set these rules into motion that govern my lack of super powers, no matter how much I may want them. Who am I to come before this mighty, eternal and all powerful Creator, just to bring him a grocery list of wants and needs and expect Him to respond? That is utter garbage to me. To me, I am utter garbage compared to Him.
But not to Him. He called me His beloved son. He made me, and thus only He has the right to say who and what I am. Not even I have that right, neither do I want it.
So yea, I died today. I died when I realized how superficial, trivial and significantly small my ambitions in life were in . I died when I realized that this all powerful, all knowing God would know waaay better what is good for me, and that while my heart may long for it, He may have something better in mind. I died when I realized that my desires were getting in the way of His desires for me. So I threw it all away. It simply didn’t make sense holding on to my struggles, hurts pains and wants, because if I have Him, I have everything I could ever want or need.
Matthew 16:25 says that whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me (Jesus) will find it. What is even worth saving in my life anyway? At the end of the day, I can’t carry it to the grave with me.
So what about you? Is your life worth saving? Just something for you to think about. Have a blessed night folks 😀
I love ya’ll 😉