I guess I lost.
Heart long gone
Spilled out into trenches
called Tributaries.
Tributes of attributes
Of what I thought I wanted
Heart squandered into rivers as I wandered
Wondering is this her?

Pouring out like drink offerings
To idols thought to bring healing
Drawing me in with draughts of toxins
Drinking by no fault of theirs
But mine
Offering to dine at tables to which I wasn’t invited
Perhaps as a guest but not as its head
I was overwhelmed by feelings
Things from occurrences and dealings
Misleading myself into thinking
That I can handle them on my own

I made a gamble
My heart risked and I now lay in shambles
Because I chose not to wait.
It’s funny, because I thought I was too late
Hesitating because I know some records weren’t straight
But there was no time to set them
Because I tried to forget them
But they beset me,
Lead me to do things for which He died on that tree
Because I was simply not ready
For that kind of responsibility.

Now left with the consequence
Of a soul unkempt cobweb infested
Heart rejected yet once more;
I give what’s left
arteries dried up and dead
To the One who should’ve had it in the first place
Clearly I misplaced it
When I replaced it with my vain words that said
My heart is Yours.
Yet here we are. Time stopped and heard throbbing
For You to say peace be still
Because silence kills in this storm
And I’m dying for something real
But all I hear is this constant ring
Of a self proclaimed god in its pathetic mutterings
Still declaring itself to be king

So I pray you kill it.
This pride with your blood stained bullets
Slay this giant with these pebbles
Of humility swung round about
Within a cradle of grace and serenity
For in this moment, I hear you calling me
Beyond the visions of my inadequacy
You much rather to see me
see you as the apple of my eye
As the treasure to which unfortunate circumstance cannot corrupt
To view me in the Garden of your promises
Where hurts are undone
Hearts are mended, and once again,
We can be one.
Where this lonely night at five in the morning
Bursts forth into sunrise
Because Your Son rose
For that very thing.
He paid a price so that I can see abundant life
At the Cost of everything He had.
So give me Jesus any day over the guilt of
My mistakes.
Help me to see the beauty of this morning,
Shimmering in the light of Your grace.

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