Thought I’d do a little mix for you guys… enjoy!
I stare in the mirror, dimly
At the disgrace that crafts my face
I hate this place
But alas I can’t escape
The glint of its dark glimmer
This man in the mirror
A silent killer who delivers me
Into the hands of my own fantasies
Where celebrities are those who
Are just there happy but then there’s me.
Lonely. Barely hanging on to threads
Deceptively stitching puppets that drive me
Every time I yank away.
I turn away, but he follows me everywhere I go
He stalks me.
He speaks in riddles that etch wrinkles across my brow
In weights that seek to bring me down
And I beg him to let me breathe
Because my lungs are filled with the sea,
These salty tears from fears of the ocean I drown in.
But he won’t cave in.
He just won’t let me win
But instead pushes me further
To dive in a whirlpool of perpetual pleasure
Living life in circles while going further in the struggle
My only direction to survive
Is to be carried further by the tides.
He may never give up,
But I know that I’ve had enough.
It’s always been rough
To stare at the bluff that daunts
That haunts me with it’s immaculate climb
To say that freedom cant be mine
Because I’m already too far gone
But as a lighthouse in the sea,
When mirror man collapsed over me
I caught a glimpse of hope and believed.
A beacon in my stress,
An uninvited guest
Who popped in to give me rest took time
To invest in this disgrace,
He extended grace
In the form of what my dark storms could not comprehend,
He sent light in the form of the Son.
I knew then that the mirror man was a reflection of me to the core
But in the light I saw a door
That made mention of a way of escape,
My chains were pierced,
My heart drove through like a spear through His side,
I bled love through His thigh and tears
That He cried just for me.
That while I drowned at sea,
He hung bare on a tree
For He is the saviour of the world
The individual to whom was given the title of criminal
For the one’s who’s mirrors proclaimed themselves so instead,
It was not trivial
For with His death and burial
We have been loosed and free,
To see that In Christ we are new creatures,
That the mirror is no longer you or me.
With tears he cried, thinking of you and I
As He breathed that it is finished.
He died and so did the mirror-man with Him.
But Christ rose, and I’ll be His witness.
You know things get real when you’ve been promoted from being the third wheel to the fifth wheel. Believe you me, one does not simply look to catapult themselves into the wall of a group of two budding couples that hang out together willingly. I know for sure that I wouldn’t have, but it sort of just happened.
So how did I end up here in the first place?
Originally, as I said, I was once the novel third wheel, and comfortably so. Two of my very close friends had found the magic sparks that drew them into entering a blissful relationship that is soon to reach their first anniversary, and believe you me I a happy for them. It’s refreshing to see the way they interact with each other, mostly for the fact that it’s hilarious, but you always see the genuine love that they have for each other… even when they ‘step aside’ to have their ‘minor’ squabbles. It has reached so far to the point that they insist that I am their child, which I have no idea how it happened, but you never really know when it comes to those too.
Now there is this one friend who I have become travelling buddies with as she lives near to where I do, and so we’d usually leave campus together. She is also close to my ‘parents’ and so when she recently got together with a grateful young gentleman, it eventually happened that the two of them would hang out with us as well.
So there you have it… BAM! Instant fifth wheel! Just add water.
Being the one who sits there and talks to my laptop instead of an actual person most of the time, I’ve come to see and appreciate many things. I often note the contrast between the pairs of tyres; one which just recently started and still is in the whole lovey-dovey phase of things, and the other which is further advanced. Many a day we were trying to get to the car when these two love birds would be walking slow (whether intentionally or not) and fall victim to our pleas for them to maintain the three second rule of hugging so that we can finally get on to getting home. Add that to the myriad of other sheepishly innocent and cute things that tend to happen between these four and you’d get enough aww’s to fill a barrel if you wanted to.
As expected, there is a negative side to it. Perhaps some of you thought there wasn’t a positive side to it at all 😛
It does get lonely sometimes. Especially those nights when we have those walks to the car. There really isn’t anything that they can do about it though; it’s just the way things are. If they try to do anything to make it less awkward, time has proven it usually does the opposite. So yea, we’re having none of that. It’s also challenging at times to relate with people who have somewhat different mindsets as you do. While I was in a relationship, most, if not all, of my friends were single. There was no one to share in their experiences of courtship, and when conversations about relationships did surface, it was from a purely single perspective due to the majority of those involved in the group, which I found wasn’t healthy for me. Now, it’s the reverse.
It tends to surface this subconscious pressure for me to find someone to go out with, which is never a good thing since it’s not simply a matter of getting someone, but finding someone who complements me well. The last thing I want is to end up right back where I am currently. Seeing this culture of courtship around me constantly however does put a damper on that frame of mind, and as we would say, the struggle gets real sometimes. Perhaps it’s because I’m viewed as the fifth wheel in the group as well, but there’s also some actual pressure into finding someone, when all I really want to do (and continue to do despite the situation) is simply to enjoy the moment and my singleness until that special someone does come along.
There are times when it seems just a tad bit too much, and I feel the urge to block them out indefinitely 😉 Of course, I won’t do that, but being the introvert that I am, the urge does come on now and then. I’ve often juggled with the thought of removing myself from this situation altogether, for perhaps it may be healthier for me as an individual, but I do value them greatly so even if such decisions are made, I’d still try my best to maintain good relations with them. Presently I haven’t been spending as much time with them as I used to because of the business of the semester, so it hasn’t been that bad, but we’ll see how it goes.
All in all, they’re really good people, and I love them. We’ve had many a joyful time with each other, and I have no regrets about that much. Time will tell what choice I make in the end, but for now, I accept it. I am [as much as I hate to admit it] the fifth wheel.