Fade.

My dystopia unravels before my eyes,
disintegrating world ties into dust and what I held dear with it.
If you could hear it, you’d hear drills excavating the substrate of my fear,
Catalysts to react in no other way
But trust in God alone.
In the midst are very real gems that stem from
Relationships built up before;
Constantly imploring me to be the best;
Yet locked in my chest is a dragon,
Locket abreast with insecurity that bellows
To purge them all in the same flame;
They’ll all be gone tomorrow, right?
As sandstorms rage, exfoliating security in sandy hurricanes,
I’ve been left bare as grains fade away,
Precious stones and cobble alike
Sifting between unsure fingers,
Undecided if to clench or not.
But it’s all fading away,
And I’ve rescinded all control.
My dystopia unravels before my eyes,
disintegrating world ties into dust and what I held dear with it.
If you could hear it, what would you do?

 

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When all you can do is smile: Giant Steps and High Ledges

It’s not often that people have the courage to risk what they know for what they love. To me, that’s a sad thing. To know that there are things inside of you just ready and waiting to come out and show the world just how fearfully and wonderfully made you are, only to hush these notions; lips pursed against the comfort zone of daily routines and distant dreams.

Worse yet are the times when we silence the things that God breathed into us.

Back in 2015, if you were a reader of this blog back then, you may recall a blog post about a missions conference I attended. Interestingly enough, I mentioned letting go of my job, my potential future wife and [somewhat put-together] plans for my life, all for the glory of Christ. I’ve done exactly that, except for my job, and it just so happens that I spoke to one of my superiors today about letting go of my job.

Back then, God had placed something within me, that’s been burning and shut up in my bones ever since: a desire for Christian service as a missionary.  As excited as I was back then, it is only upon looking back now that I see that God was holding me to my word, masterfully pruning me until I was truly ready to give up all for Him.

With the recently passing Next Step Missions Camp hosted a couple weeks ago, that fire was once again stirred and a gentle reminder that there was nothing holding me back from answering His call other than myself, I went home and had a conversation with my family about this final decision.

I have decided to follow Jesus; I have decided to pursue His dreams.

No turning back.

I recall walking home one night prior to this camp. It was pretty late, and the bustle of the day had long waned since my departure from a taxi. Walking in the lonely road, the cool air kissed my face and not soon after I could hear God speaking, reminding me of the beauty of all that was around me. I was reminded of my purpose then, and that all these wonderful experiences that I’ve been having are but for a season. Things were no longer going to be the same, and I knew it.

I wish that I could say that there  was this miraculous encounter where I was caught up in a blinding light like Paul was, and lead right into His calling. In many ways however, I feel just like him. Paul was blind for three days, and had to rely on his companions to carry him on to Damascus. In many ways, I have no real idea of where I am going and have, both in the past and now, been encouraged and guided by friends and family in the faith. I know that I wouldn’t be where I am today if God hadn’t placed them in my life.

It’s quite the scary place to be in, feeling completely blind. Yet in the midst of it all, I have never felt so alive before. To simply be reliant on Jesus, as a child being solely dependent on His Father.  All I can do  is trust that my Ananias is coming, and that all things are working together for my good.

What about you? Is there anything that’s burning on the inside, just waiting to be released into the world?

Let it out. Be Free.

Shudder

Eyes shudder behind calculated frames.
Stutter as shutters applaud and bring you into focus,
Liquid flooding across to wash my vision clean;
Retreating back to ducts where in safety those tears may lie.
I see you.
My astigmatism not letting me focus too much but yet looking to
The future.
A
Future.
Where I
Digress. Closer to hand are plans and schemes that capture my attention
Slipping between photographs and slideshows to memories I prefer to keep inside my head.
Curiously entwined in pockets of time and places, purpose and beautiful  design
Beauty has been held within these eyes of mine
To flutter, and to escape; released to a reprieve where time and place plan to dance again; their stage a coincidence.  These rays incident on longing eyes and hopeful hearts
Clinging to thoughts that have yet to burst into reality.

I hope to see you again.

Note to Self

Rancid as the raunchy ruses of your adolescent mind

You retracted to remote locations

Ravishing your love on foreign gods.

Ferric the blood rushing to your nostrils,

It drips red and rusty; marring your innocence;

Guilt like a raging bull at the sight.

Musty from the sweat of resistance you lie,

Too strong to repel your pride,

Too weak to resist your struggle.

It’s okay to risk second glances to from varnished floors,

Rather than resorting to fresh pine wood.

Rummaging through your trash only restricts you,

Restraining you from the truth;

Learn that you are loved.

Let His love lavish you in lavender,

Relinquishing the reminiscent stains of the past.

He’ll leverage your loneliness with forces centripetal

Launching you to lovely  fields,

Labelling you fearfully and wonderfully made.

Love yourself, inhale the bouquet of your radiance,

And shine for others to see.

 

Pauses

Life proposes pauses;

A distinct monotone

Of mundane and muddled melodies

Missing the distinct, sharp punctuation of the things

You hope for or despise.

A palpable discourse of respite:

Most times, needed but not wanted.

You wait

A lot

Questioning

Life itself at times.

Nights staring into nothing when silence catches on

Because the hustle of the day is done.

Running on fumes, no longer able

To overcome the inertia of your own stubbornness

You listen to the Voices

That have been speaking ever since.

Slow down.

Breathe. 

My Grace is sufficient for you.

To walk in the blessing

Hi everyone! 😀

Just thought I’d leave something for you that I wrote a couple of years ago. Hope you enjoy!


 

To walk in the blessing

there’s a journey you must take,

past the point of unbelief

and beyond the guilt of your mistakes.

But what does it take to get there?

Faith like a mustard seed

and to trust with passion undying

To move into a land of promise

You have to keep on trying…

But can you walk alone?

If you perish, you perish,

for that’s what it takes

You give it your all,

Even if what you love most is at stake,

for His glory of course.

You seek Him first,

and walk circumspectly,

Persevering all the while,

When it doesn’t come immediately…

But it is hard sometimes…

It’s hard to walk in the blessing

when pressure screams at the door,

and the only voice you hear

is your own shouting “No more!”

But you keep on keeping on

LIke an Olympian at Athens

You don’t give up and you PUSH

you pray until something Happens

In the midst of your trial

you look to your Comfort and Rod

You stand still and wait

to know that He is God

And with wings like eagles

you soar up high,

continuing to walk but not fainting

no weariness to your eyes

For you know Your God

that He is a faithful friend

That those who love Him and are called

Good things come to them

You trod with your Cross toward Him

With Job like patience

When storms arise and floods raise against you

You have faith to walk on oceans.

You walk in the blessings

That He called you to receive

stumbling at times

but leaning on His mercy.

For when you were weak

His strength was perfect

so you kept on pressing

And became a more effective witness

Through hardship and trails,

and deep in the valley

You kept on walking to your destination.

faithfully toward your destiny.

But now, in the midst of your trial

You wonder if you’ll make it and how long,

But then He gently reminds you,

you’ve been walking in blessings all along.

And with one more step, your journey continues.

A Reflection on Psalm 18

“I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

Psalm 18: 1-2 [ESV]

David simply has a way with words that truly fascinates me. This excerpt encompasses the main point of Psalm 18, but you really need to get into the meat of the matter to truly have a grasp of why he loves God so much. His story truly shows that his back was against the wall. His struggle was severe, and his heart failing. In his distress, he called out to the Lord, who heard him, and came to his aid.

Now I’m sure at some point in time you may have seen one of those gangster movies, whereby some rival gang came and did some injustice to someone, and the whole gang arose to retaliate in this person’s defence. I’d like you to think of how angry they were that someone would hurt their friend. Recall how riled up they get when they do decide to venture onto foreign turf to wage war.

Now think about the God of the Universe doing that. HOW CRAZY IS THAT RIGHT? Yet here we are, in Psalm 18, hearing about the wrath of God that was kindled against David’s adversaries, and how the very foundations of the earth was shaken. In a brilliant, brash and brutal display of His power, the Lord came to His rescue.

David mentioned that with the merciful God shown Himself merciful. To  the blameless He was blameless and so it goes, but with the crooked He made Himself seem tortuous. He indicates this inclusive buy-in to this level of security and safety in God, which, thankfully for us, is available through salvation and Christ’s finished work on the cross. Only then would our hope in Verse 24’s declaration hold firm, as we are justified by grace through faith. Of course, in those days the laws of the Old Testament included provisions for receiving the forgiveness of sins, and so he was not simply tooting his own horn by saying that he was blameless.

Now I don’t want to wrongfully describe an illusory fantasy of us simply calling on God and He comes in, guns blazing, ready to massacre our enemies and rescue us like damsels in distress. David describes God as the One who equipped him with strength [v.32] and enabled him to achieve his victory. He was an active participant in God’s plan for his own redemption from his enemies, and he rightly attributes his success to the support and strength that God provided.

So, what does this mean for us? It means that in our times of distress, we have the greatest backup of all time. In our time of need, once we call upon the name of the Lord, in all humility and purity through our sanctification in Christ, that we will be strengthened and able to find our W in the midst of the L’s. David was facing literal war in those days. What are you facing? Examination worries? Financial stress perhaps?  And what would your victory be? Perhaps it might not be how you envisioned it, but one thing is sure, that He will be a shield for you. In the midst of it all, like David, be sure that He alone is exalted!

“This God—his way is perfect;

the word of the LORD proves true;

he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.”

Psalm 18:30 [ESV]

 

 

Letter to my heart

Just because my heart needed a reminder.

The matters of the heart

Dear heart,

Why are you like this?
Why do you incessantly insist this necessity of love interest,
Not really wanting to commit at this time but just for the heck of it?
Women are not for your benefit, so suck on this loneliness and cherish it
Be humble and treasure the sweet tender nectar of patience and relish it
For fainting at every brown skin is not productive for reaping in due time,
Curls don’t yield the returns to which your investments define.
So you better get back in my chest, keep time to that 4/4
Play to the score of my vocal chords when I say chill.
Not every beautiful soul is yours to behold,
Celebrate them and nurture them to grow.
Be their brother, their friend, towards no end,
But just to treat them as daughters of your most High God.
You are desperately wicked, whimsical and intrepid

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Fyzabad and Pies

Fyzabad and Pies,
Two things I chose to reject;
New journey, old shoes.

You see, we were kindred soles,
Oxfords walking down  paths orhthodox for lovers,
But Oxfords ain’t really meant for walking.
Still we pressed on; in tandem with the clack clack
of giddy heels down the streets of Mucurapo  every morning,
Where of course, the fyzo stand was located.
With bated breath and boldface bravery
A stranger breaches the boundaries of my headphones to say

“Fyzo by two.”

It teased smiles from the corners of my lips like varnish peeling off
Grandma’s wooden floors but it never gets old,
For even though it wasn’t my destination,
They say home is where your heart is, mine always on it’s way
to where you reside, and so deep inside I’d always whisper, “soon”.
Somehow the pie man found this rejection to be
Premonition that somehow I’d be hungry,
But na. So uh. yea.

It wasn’t long before these shoes realized they’d be a bit too uncomfortable
for the journey ahead. Instead, you said that you’d need to go on
solo, And I respected that. The fact that we were so close
Led me to let you know that’d I’d hop on one foot if I have to for a while,
but you were so shook that earthquakes turned to chasms miles wide; you put some distance between us.

Like a cereal killer you crossed off these cheerios till it went from oooooh
to oh.
As in OH.
As in o-n-e.
As in one.
Cause it only takes one o to spell alone;
It only takes one o to spell lonely;
It only takes one o to win a football match… (what?)
It only takes one o to spell confused,
Cause it only takes one O to spell his name.

I mean, what did you expect?
The neglect I now understand
But what I don’t is the stance you took
To so proclaim your need to look to God alone,
But here you are hooked into the mould of a hyprocrite
Cause you did just the opposite…
You said you like cats, right?
Just double checking the facts, cause they
might just be another one of your lies.
Bruno Mars? That blue pack soldanza chips…
Plaintain? Plaintain is sacred so I pray you
Were honest with that one.

I know theatre is your passion, so
I’m just recalling your actions to decide
If they were an act or not.
You called curtains on us, and I didn’t see the play,
So I wasn’t playing coy to the fact that it was merely
A change of scene. An obscene ploy in which I was the
victim. I was your muse and I hope I played the role
To your liking.

So I’m back to sneakers now.
It’s easier to be casual in  my lonesome
Than caught up in the illusory fantasy
That we’d be a pair.
I hold the bees now. And from what I see,
This whole affair was far from beautiful.
I don’t hope he makes you happy.
He’s a good man, so he’ll probably do that anyway.
I’m just too grown to invest any more emotion
Into someone who still plays childish games.
Fire bun Fyzabad (except you Nicky, you a good  one),
And pie man, maybe one day I might give you a sale,
But grease and salt just sounds bad for my health right now.

Fyzabad and Pies,
Two things I chose to reject;
New journey, old shoes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Very Late] Year in Review – 2017

Recognising that the month of January has almost come to the close, I realise that I am quite late in doing this, but as some would say, it’s better to be late than never. And so alas, I sit here in the cool of a silent evening to write. How have you been? Often I stray from this place, but the dance of my fingers against the lobes of my brain always bring me back. I really appreciate everyone who’s still here in my journey, both in this blog and outside.

It’s been a rough ride.

 

2017 has been a mixed bag of chips for me. If you’re aware of the popular online challenge of eating mystery jelly beans, that’s how it felt for me, and for the most part, I got all the bad ones. There were some good ones in the midst of them, however. I graduated, and put out my first track as an artist ever. I also broke up with my girlfriend, and the funny thing is all of which I just mentioned happened on the same day.

This year has left me with more bruises than I thought possible, and it challenged me in every way possible. I battled depression, my darkest insecurities, struggled with my faith and basically lost every sense of who I was and how I saw the world. I wish I could say that I’m sitting in front of this screen, the clacks of my mechanical keyboard accented with a hint of the smug confidence of victory, but I’d be lying.  I’m still a broken soul, in desperate need of Jesus and in constant, sombre reflection of days past with a faint hope of the future.

I’m still faced on a daily basis with many problems and battles, and I’m constantly reminded that I’m far from perfect. I’m far from put together, and far from where I want to be. It’s in this state that the ever present, soft, still voice of God is often heard, when the bustle dies down and you’re sitting in silence. Sometimes, your world comes crashing down; and in the midst of the rubble of all the idols you’ve built, you see God face to face. With tears in your eyes you recall the love that you’ve been missing so badly.

Sometimes, your world comes crashing down; and in the midst of the rubble of all the idols you’ve built, you see God face to face. With tears in your eyes you recall the love that you’ve been missing so badly.

Looking back, it’s pretty easy to see God’s hand in guiding me through this maze. I saw Him in the constant, overflowing love and support of my friends who saw me sinking and didn’t turn away. I saw Him in the moments when I felt like life wasn’t worth living anymore, and somehow an encouragement would come at just the right time. I saw Him in the times when my plans didn’t work out like I planned, but the alternative lead me to grow to become better in the long run. I saw Him in each and every piece of poetry, guiding my hands as they etched my heart on blank canvases.

In the midst of my brokenness, I take heart in the fact that I know I’ll be alright. I know that He is God of the Hills, and the Valleys too. Every step I’ve taken thus far is but another step in the journey of discovering who I am, and who I’m meant to be, and once again, for those who’ve been alongside me in this, thank you. 2018 is upon us, and I expect great things to happen, but I now that it won’t be easy. To 2018 I say… bring it on!

-Zecks