Journey to the Truth: Stone heart; November 11th, 2007

I sat in the midst of Chemistry class; too uneasy to focus. While the dragged, lifeless tones of the teacher were drowned out by the brooding of my mind, I padded on the surface of my chair, experimenting with the different sounds that the wood and metal made.  It was to be but just a few minutes before the bell rang, and then it would be straight to  I.S.C.F. But how could I possibly go there, in this state? Ever since this weekend, it was as if the Devil himself was bombarding me with temptation, and of course, I fell in sin. I felt disgusted; unworthy. How could I now worship God when I had done such a horrible thing?

My old ways were returning; my lusts and desires were rising their ugly heads in my mind, and I just couldn’t shake them off… and as if on cue, the school bell blared, snapping me to attention. A sea of white shirts rose for the lunchtime prayer, then drained out through the door to their own devices.

I merely stirred in my chair.

Andy sauntered in, giddy as usual with Bible in hand. After all, it was the moment he looked forward to out of his entire school week. He nudged me and dragged me there; I’m not sure if he could’ve seen what was wrong with me, but he didn’t ask about my glum mood.

After it was over, however, it truly didn’t matter; because God’s Word, in expert fashion, was able to penetrate my stone heart. Something about His love; it is independent of our actions.  I may gave fallen short, but it did nothing to change the fact that God sent His Son, Jesus, to die for my sins, and that my debt was already paid. He saw all my mistakes, all the shortcomings I made and even those that I will make, and still decided to die for me. Isn’t that just beyond comprehension? But who can really understand the mind of God?

I know that I’m not nearly the man I should be, and certainly not the man that Christina deserves. But God’s working on me, so perhaps that’s why I can’t be with her just yet, and why He said that I must focus on Him… right?

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Journey to the Truth: Reprise; 28th October, 2007

Brooding in my room

These thoughts flow freely

Of love and destiny,

Such words are whispered to me

This must be His will;

For she and I to unite

My life surrounds this central theme,

It’s what my thoughts imply

Circumstance joins in the charade

Forwarding chaotic messages within this mental plot

Coincidence is not far behind,

Thinning the line from what is and what’s not

Intertwined within is the purpose of the Master

Coiling round the surface of my mind;

The tension burning in my brain,

That the only obstacle left now is time…

Surely, the stage has been set. As I rolled in the covers, every second of this ride with Christina rolled through my mind. The day I met Nikki, one of her close friends, the time God told me to remember Claus, her brother in prayer… It was as if He was preparing me for life with her, and that as time passed by, everything was falling into place.

But what of the rest of the jigsaw?

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Journey to the truth: Whim and fancy, or Oracle of God?- 14th October, 2007

The word’s of our pastor, good old Pastor Tony, echoed in my mind as I rolled off the covers that Sunday afternoon. The cream walls greeted me with a warm smile as I turned to the night stand to check the time. The red LED lights glared back, stating “4:15” with no emotion, flare or comedy.

The pain of not being able to go to youth group stung once more, piercing my soul with its twisted dagger; the name I dubbed my circumstance that day. It was at that moment, I began to ponder all the good times I had, back during vacation when I could have gone because I would not have reached home too late and be tired for school the next morning. The late nights, the fun activities in church, and not to mention the food… every instance engraved in my mind like the grooves on a record, playing their own symphonies of excitement and passion.

And not to mention Christina.

She felt like everything to me; her eyes like black pools that drowned me every time I stared at them; her body, not too slim, but curvaceous and healthy. Best of all, her heart. I remember clearly that day when we danced; before the ‘red dress’ experience. I told God then that I wanted to be bold, and not miss out on life because of my shyness. And on that night, I danced with her… I never knew she existed until that moment, and although it was subtle, I believe that she had planted herself in my heart at that definitive moment. She was always kind, and sought others above herself. How could you not love her?

And so my thoughts had drifted me off to the bathroom to shower, where my ramblings of the past have somehow drummed toward the future. In my stupor of steam, I heard myself utter an unusual phrase, “because on March 27th I receive Christina as my girlfriend..”

Honestly, what just happened?

At first, I paused. Then, I panicked. I ran to my room, fast as I could (after finishing my shower quickly of course) and took some time to ponder these words. Is this God’s plan for my life? No, it HAS to be His plan. I believed then that this wasn’t just a plan for my life, but for ours, and that all I could do for the moment was pray, and know that His plan shall come to pass.

“Maybe staying home wasn’t so bad after all,” I mused.

 

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Journey to the truth: Seeds of (self) deception – September 03, 2007

The scent of  blooming poui flowers tickled my nose as I sauntered on over to my school. Oh Naparima, how u trouble me so, I sighed as I climbed the hill leading to my grounds of education. The sundry walls of hallowed halls greeted my grunts of last footfalls before I could finally rest my bag in our classroom. Although there was almost an hour before classes where to begin, almost half of my classmates had already arrived, tuned in to their electronic paraphernalia as was the custom of our generation.

But enough of them; for their actions have never really concerned me.. whether I wanted them to or not. In comes Andy; A medium built young man, hair always in a mess. Other than that, he always has things under control. Not to make him seem like any god or anything, but it was by his influence that I was able to meet my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ. Who would have thought that me talking to much could lead to the best experiences of my life?

Certainly, it never crossed my teacher’s mind.

It was that time again, where we would head on over for breakfast club; an event hosted by our school’s christian group, the Inter School Christian Fellowship, or I.S.C.F. for short. Perhaps it sounds a lot greater than it is, but it was definitely greater than what one would expect. At best, the attendance was five, and we were sponsored with free breakfast, courtesy the Government’s school feeding program. We weren’t privy to any special kind of favor, but just took our breakfast like everyone else and came over to the AV room. We’d usually eat breakfast and have a light chat before entering a time of prayer and worship before the school bell decided we’ve had enough. I tell you, those were some of the best days of my life.

Today was no different, except for one minor detail. I munched on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but no matter how hard I tried there was a lump in my throat that persisted with spartan-like  determination. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard; visions of ‘her’ red dress burst on my retinas and my lids opened wide on instinct.

“Is something the matter?” asked Andy. “You seem rather on edge today.” I brushed off his comment, and some crumbs too,  but he knew me better than that.

“How would you know if God shows you the ‘right one’ in your life?” I asked him, thinking out loud more than really posing a legitimate question.

“God isn’t going to make such a thing available to you right now, my brother. You’re simply too young! both in your life and in your walk with Him. Focus on Him, and don’t let anything distract you from your walk with Him.”

Right, I thought to myself then. This must mean that she’s not meant for right now, but later, and so I shall focus on Him, and He will show me when the time is right.

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Journey to the truth: Prologue

So I finally turned fourteen. If you were to ask me how I intended to spend my birthday three months ago, I’d give you my usual answer to such questions, “I don’t know.” This birthday was different. Behind all the smokescreens of daily routines and disappointments, I found something…special. Mind you, I wasn’t looking for it, nor could I have possibly fathomed what really happened, but I had better get on with it…

It was a Sunday evening like none other. Our youth group had its first prom. Scores of young people flocked together like innocent little lambs, clad in their suits, ties and lavish dresses for a night of fun and relaxation. Streamers lined the walls and pillars, in bright contrast to the varnished wooden floors. Stools skirted the bar, outfitted with numerous intoxicating drinks, (for display of course) and a kind hearted gent who readily served patrons their soft drinks, free of charge. Just opposite the bar was an evacuated space for a dance floor and to its left the dining table, draped with lilac cloth and orange napkins alongside rows of silverware.

It was the setup for the perfect night.

It was the idea of our leader, Brother Roland we called him, to choose our dates via a lottery method. Regardless of relation, age or race, whomever drew the same number as you was your date for the evening. Strangely enough, my number had none to its name but me. Lucky me, I thought. Nevertheless, there was food to be consumed, and so I took my place at the head of the table and tried my luck at the macaroni pie and jerked pork with potato salad using as much table manners as possible. It was over without much of a peep from me, being the somewhat shy guy that I am, and so we proceeded to the talent show.

It turns out we didn’t have as much talent as we had thought, since the winning act was a kid being able to recite the alphabet backwards, but the event was quickly forgotten as my birthday was announced, as well as another; a girl named Mimi. She and I cut some cake and served each other, much to the envy of the other males in the room since she was quite the catch. The dance floor was declared open soon after and the fun was about to begin.

Up till this point, the recent events carried some form of significance to me, but the next few events were all that mattered to me over the next few weeks. They circled around one phenomenon, and I call it thus not to objectify it, but rather to highlight its significance. Or should I say her significance? Surprisingly enough as I recall them, it seems to just be a blur; a red dress, a scarf and an emotion so subtle that it lopped my head off without me noticing. Nothing contrary to my beliefs occurred, but simply an infatuation that would charter the course of my future.

It took me a week to understand what that emotion was, as I was new to this whole love thing, and even now, I am completely baffled by it. When I really think about it, it all really started on that day, and with God as my witness I say even now that I would have had it any other way. O how sweet life is!