Matters of ‘her’ heart: Outro

It’s about 4am and I’m yet to have gone to sleep. The atmosphere is peaceful, and the breeze from my fan a comfortable chill against my face as I make my final remarks on a series that has been quite enjoyable for me. This is the end of it, yes, for this season of my life has long since been over, and it is only just that I treat it as such. It’s a funny thing, when you have first impressions about people; most of the time, they tend to be true. This experience hadn’t deviated from that truth either.

There was nothing between us.

To be honest, however, I’d say that that wasn’t altogether true either. There I was, a timid, wary young man taking a leap of faith into God’s unknown, trusting that it was His direction that lay my affections in ‘her’ lap. She, standing there alone with the weight of the world on ‘her’ shoulders wondering just who IS this guy? The adventure meandered around desire, excitement and definitely the move of God in both of our lives. I’d like to say that the events that transpired around this theme transformed us; preparing us for the battles ahead through divine planning. I know for sure that I can say that for my side of the relation (or lack therof 😉 )

There was this one key or legend that I always mused and fancied about; that mysterious thing that I couldn’t fathom for the life of me. That one thing that made everything make sense: her behaviours, mannerisms and general attitude. With 20/20 hindsight vision, I believe I see what that thing was. I can guarantee you, however, that it isn’t what you’re expecting. I’ve mentioned on several occasions that I saw so much of myself in ‘her’, through the way that she did things, while at the same time appreciating her uniqueness and the obvious differences that she possessed. I failed to realize, however, that the answer might not exactly lie within ‘her’, but rather in me.

That one thing that really made ‘her’ stand out in my mind had nothing to do with ‘her’, but simply was the sovereign will of our Lord and Saviour. I wouldn’t go as far as to say He willed us apart, as she had a choice in ‘her’ own capacity, but there where parts  that God wanted me to focus on; those that I identified with and those that I admired, for, in fact, He was taking me to a place where those things become part of me. I can see much of myself in ‘her’ because God made that happen for me as well. Gosh I really hope that this is making sense to you all…

I am at complete peace with the fact that there is nothing between us. I’m glad for it! The reason for that is because I was able to not simply discover who she was, but to discover who I really am. For that, there is no recompense that I could ever give. It’s quite interesting that I always mentioned this girl within the parameters of single quotes. At this very time, I believe it was meant  to be so because it referred to someone in particular, but not necessarily the one that I shall be blessed to share life with. I want the real thing, the “her” of my life, put in double quotes because it is someone speaking.

And that someone is none other than God 😀

Who knows, maybe I have found “her” already; that’s not in my hands, but in hers and God’s. I know one thing for sure: she’s definitely worth the wait.

Image

Advertisements

Matters of ‘her’ heart: Phantom traces

Hi.

Yes, it’s been awhile, and I miss offloading whatever comes to mind, and so (time permitting) I will be able to get these out to you all in the next few days… cause I have a lot to say.

Really and truly, there hasn’t been much between ‘her’ and I, because we both happen to be in our own separate worlds, which, for now, is just fine with me. Just this Friday I heard that she had popped in church to check up on me, although I hadn’t seen her, but nevertheless, it was a nice gesture and it made a smile brim my lips. Which brings me to the reflections of today: these phantom traces of what once was.

One cannot help but recall the times when the sphere of their existence was once incident upon the that of another, especially when it blossomed not only into a beautiful relation, but a significant change within the existence itself. It’s like the scent of your perfume that you like that you no longer have within your reach. It is perhaps accented with little whims and fancies of what you recall it to be, but such is the fallacy and bliss of memory.

I remember that no matter how much I tried, there was, and I believe there still is, this one thing that I could never truly grasp about her. Even as she slips silently across the fringes of my conscious (she literally lives about a 3 minutes walk from where I frequent every week) It’s perhaps something that I never will grasp…

For whim and fancy sake, I shall call it the Zecks Uncertainty Principle 😀

Perhaps it is because the experiences of my own life does not line up enough with that of what she went through, but to see both rivers flow into the same stream is just one more thing that makes me in awe of the beauty of life. To me, it’s the source of who she is; the synergetic, supportive, strong and charismatic person that she has bloomed to be, dappled with traits that bring these to life in such a way that is unique to all but her. It’s how who she is can scream at you without saying but one word… nothing short of awesome, in my book.

Even as I go on each day, “phantom traces” of ‘her’ are seen in me… the way I talk, the way my passions have surfaced to such a degree that I never thought possible; the confidence that I emanate, proud of who I am, and not because of whatever traces remain. But because I am no one else but me, fashioned with a marvellous design and free to be who I am destined to be, and no one else. There’s no shadow to live in; but simply to walk out of the darkness and into the marvellous light…

She taught me that 🙂

Image

Matters of ‘her’ Heart: Semester break

Wow. I honestly can’t remember how long it’s been since I’ve done this! I think it’s more for the the lack of content and the backdrop of me going back to school, but nevertheless, here I am… still breathing (for now 😉 )

So the muse of my holidays and I have taken what one may refer to as a back seat in the theatre of life, watching our own separate renditions of University. In the twinkling of an eye, schedules filled, stress built and inevitably, our communication fell apart. Perhaps there were some other factors that contributed to this rent in our relations, but in my esteem, these definitely take precedence. The static from her station left me with no choice but to simply focus on my own life for the time being, setting into motion those little maintenance checks that if left unnoticed for too long could destroy you.

A welcome break indeed.

Having but the memory of the responsible, level headed and purpose driven woman I saw in her ministry launch, there was a new light that had dappled some of her dark unknown. She seemed then to be focused; alert and truly positioned where she was meant to be at that time. I both applauded and admired her for that. It felt as a complete contrast to me (though some may disagree) for I know that when it comes to taking charge, I’m not the usual suspect in such matters, although I do drive projects from behind the scenes like a champion, if I do say so myself 🙂

In recent days, she has returned as a faint blip on my radar, there yes, but her presence not as dominant as it used to be. I paid a visit to her campus just last week, to support one of their Christian club activities, and once again; that leadership quality sprung up from within her. Sitting in the audience, I felt challenged (aside from the fact that I could just tell she was going to pick on me) and remembered just why she intrigues me so much. Truly she knows how to push my buttons, and if I wasn’t wise to this fact, I could be have been caught in so many traps on that day. I just knew that exactly where she is is where God has placed her, and I’m thankful for that.

We shared a bit of sentiments about the past we had developed, and even as I go about each day, residual memories prick my mind in rebellion against the sands of time that try to exfoliate them away with the demands of my present. They always tease a smile from my lips, and I do hope that there would be a future for me where such memories can be forged once again in the fires of destiny. Of, course, patience will have it’s perfect work, and I will gladly accept whatever cards  God wishes to deal to me.

It’s important that we cherish moments while they last; for you never know what the future holds. As much as possible, remind those you care about what they mean to you, and try your best not to leave their presence in bad terms. You learn from the past and work on the present, but the future is something that you just don’t know about… good luck guys!

your-Last-Memories-13

Matters of ‘her’ heart: A crack in the wall?

Hey guys! I think I haven’t done one of these in a while, and so I thought I should take the opportunity to delve into one of my many fascinations once more…

Slowly but surely, I believe that she has been opening up to me; it’s just up to me to be aware of it. I remember fondly that time where I decided I’d take her out to a drum clinic… She doesn’t really play drums (yet 😉 ) but I knew she’d definitely love it, and on top of that, I was able to get someone in free on my ticket, and so I thought why not? I find it interesting that because of this experience, she was able to get someone to give her lessons in bass guitar, which I’d say is her passion when it comes to musical instruments.

Through all the annoyances and pestering that I bestow upon her, and her openly rebellious nature toward me because of it, there are always sweet moments that we share, that far outweigh all the foolishness that we tend to put on the table… of course, these moments are treasured as well; harassing her is so much fun 😀

There was one moment however, that I would love to highlight in our recent past. That night was perhaps one of the best days of my life, and of great significance to me. To know that she was there to support me on top of it, well… that means oh so much… it made the night even more swell than I could have possibly imagined!

Well, I’d best describe what happened, shouldn’t I?

That night was a big night, not only for me, but for my band as well. We’re a humble lot; still in need of more members but we make due with what we have because of our passion and desire for both God (Jesus Christ) and music. We would normally do song covers on some of the music that we listened to; it wasn’t always well received, by the elders of the church especially because of the style of music, but we still pressed on because we knew what we were about, and the vision that we were moving with.

On this night, we were doing what I never dreamed of.. we were doing our first original song. What impacted me even more, was that it was something that I wrote years aback that we where about to perform, and never in my wildest dreams had I thought when I wrote that song that we’d actually perform it before God’s people. I didn’t even know any of my band members back then!

Truly it was a new season in the band, and when she said she’d be there, I was ecstatic. She was going to be a part of this big event. So we performed the song, and it was amazing… the congregation, though small in number, lapped up the performance, and she loved it. What appalled me wasn’t that so much really, but what was to happen soon after.

The praise and worship team was short a few members, and though I had no intention of helping out before arriving, I just couldn’t sit back and let them be short of voices, and so I helped out. The service was just about to end and we entered an amazing time of worship.. it was powerful! That was an awesome time in His presence… and during that awesome time, my eyes happened to glance in her direction, and boy was I blessed.

She was hunched over, crying her heart out before her God and her King. Locked in like a prisoner on death row, it was clear the love she had for our Lord Jesus Christ, and that, in my humble opinion, is the epiphany of beauty. That moment when she was so profusely involved in the worship –  with her heart, and not her lips – is the most beautiful sight I could ever imagine of her… the naked passion creasing her brows as her voice poured out of her soul.. it’s an image that would be forever etched in my mind.

It’s in these moments that I thank God for her… the times where my influence could have perhaps been used toward her reaching closer to Him, when she could be blessed, and through it, I feel so blessed myself. I really don’t know how it happened, but I know that God placed her to cross my path, and really just season my life with such excitement that I never could have imagined. She once said that she feels that in some way, God was able to use me to answer her prayers, and I must say, that the same is true for me… If only she could know that somehow…

Two-Hands-Holding-A-Pink-Paper-Heart

Matters of ‘her’ heart: the unveiling

As days merged to weeks, bits and pieces of this mysterious girl became known to me. Each tidbit of information was as a raindrop in the desert; for whatever reason she didn’t like sharing much with me. I often wondered why this was so; perhaps it was her simply messing with me, or something more… maybe it was simply my approach to obtaining the information, but the fact of the matter was that I had to work for it. 

What always fascinated me though, was that despite whatever I esteemed her to be in my mind,  when I was around her, she’d be nothing else but her. No matter what was going on in her life, no matter how good, bad or ugly (not that I knew much of what was going on anyway) she simply exuded nothing but her person; her personality shone through her situation. She is a very nice person. She’s kind, caring and very considerate. She is no pushover, however. She’s not afraid to state how she feels, and if there is a situation that is making her feel uncomfortable or displeased, you will know about it. I applaud her honest and pure nature; it makes her a very trustworthy person. 

Despite what I’d call her ‘bubbly’ nature, I could not help but to believe that there’s a big piece of the puzzle that’s missing. There is something that has been weighting her soul, and I just know it. There’s always this air that there’s perhaps this one thing that’s left unsaid; the key to all the confusion that embodies her portrait in my fascinated mind. Perhaps, it is the legend by which to decipher the map of her person; the backdrop to which all her tendencies can be put into context: her (what is esteemed as) insecurities, her desire to press on alone… the ominous cloud that looms over her head. I truly believe that once this is found, that only then  would I truly be able to say that I can understand where she’s coming from. 

The night that this hypothesis affixed itself to my mind was indeed a very exciting one. It was a Wednesday night, and we had music class. Normally, she would go to church on such a day, but because of the fact that we did not have class in a while, she opted to go to class instead. For by what some may call fate, she forgot to bring her keys with her and was locked outside the house. She was headed to a nearby restaurant to use the bathroom, and so I decided (after having to insist that I cannot leave her by herself) to accompany her. We purchased a light meal and sat, having a very nice time, accented by certain memories that, for my safety’s sake, cannot mention. Later, she made mention of what she called a date, referring to the night’s occurrence. Her independence, passions and playful nature stood out at that point in time, but as usual, it felt like there was this one thing that was missing.

What I can tell you for sure, is that she has a beautiful heart. She certainly is a blessed individual who can do so much in this world, once she puts her mind to it. There is not one person on this Earth that I am aware of who I can compare her to; she is unique, and wonderfully so. As mentioned before, the only person with whom I have been able to identify her with is myself; unique, talented and at times overwhelmed. This “key” is certainly something I must find, and I do whatever it is in my power to find it. 

Image

Matters of ‘her’ heart: Shock and awe

After having left the retreat, I decided to have a little conversation with her within the social media. I was going to link up with all the new friends I made in any case, so it’s quite natural that I’d also talk to her… right?

As was my usual custom, my ‘interrogation’ phase began, where I’d shoot a host of questions, namely the ones that I either was too afraid to ask, or just chose not to. I am still not sure which is the truth, though if I had to go with one, it would be the latter. I found out much about her in that short time, and I must say, she was a pretty interesting individual. We had some things in common, and others, well we were complete opposites. I put the brakes on my questions for a brief hiatus, and was planning on resuming it soon.

And that was when the blitzkreig began, and it was by no means of my own doing.

Just as I was about to unleash another spate of questions, she stopped me dead in my tracks. She started by stating that she personally dislikes being asked questions, especially so many at once. I was thrown out of my element immediately. What was I to do? And, like the joker of a brain I have, the first thought that came to my mind was to ask her why. (Seriously?) I also found out (in attempts to not ask questions yet still gather information) that she lives nearby and that she attends a music class in my area. I always wanted to start one, and since it was nearby, I decided to join. It took real faith to start that, but that’s a story for another day.

On our first meeting for class, she explained, to the best of her ability, why she disliked the whole question thing. She said something along the lines of people poking around into her life and eventually asking the wrong question; the rest she was a collection of words she loosely threw around to try to get me to understand, but made not much sense at all… I merely concluded that she had a past she wasn’t proud of, or simply just liked to keep things to herself.

What startled me in the next couple of meetings was her openness; whenever I was around her, it felt like she exuded her entire self, without holding anything back. It was ironic that she would be so abrasive when it came to “intrusive” questions, for it felt like although these pursuits in finding out her all failed, that the person she presented to me was nothing but her true self.

The main thing that I could not get over, was how much I saw myself in her. A writer, musician, singer; who lived a life ‘in the dark’ yet is able to portray such a glimmer of light to those around her. She even loves drums! (shout out to all the female drummers out there 😀 )

If she’s anything like me, then for sure, what I have seen thus far is like the tip of the glacier that peeks it’s pale nose above the waters to catch a breath; It’s entire body is underwater and spans for miles on end.

It’s a good thing that this is a metaphor, because scuba gear is expensive, and I certainly don’t wan’t to spend time in the Arctic. This is going to take awhile!

In life, you will find people who bring these “shock and awe” moments to your life. Keep them close! They make life exciting, and you know what, you could never tell what the future may hold. A friendship, a crazy story to tell your grand kids, who knows? God knows 😀

Stay blessed! Love you all!

Image

Matters of ‘her’ heart: First Impressions

Before I begin, I just want to apologize for not blogging these past two days. I’ve been trying to do at least something everyday, but I was stopped by a simple math equation:

Hectic Schedule + Sickness = No Blog :/

So without further ado, lets get right into it, shall we? Hopefully I won’t die after this; I believe she tried to get me to stop after just the first one… but I press!

 In that space where we were fated to meet, there was an overflow of information to absorb. I was in a new place with new people; some familiar faces but not one of them that I could safely call my friend. Nature surrounded us, distancing myself even from the city voices that I was accustomed to. You could say that in that space, at that specific point in time, I was truly alone.

Time rolled on, and before I knew it, it was morning, and scheduled for us was our devotions. I picked my place close to the back, preferring to be out of the potential spotlight as I always do. For some reason I  expected to be sitting alone, seeing as how I wasn’t familiar with anyone just yet. It turns out I was wrong, for she decided that I would be the perfect person to sit next to. How she came to that conclusion I don’t know, or whether or not she even thought about it, but that was simply what happened. And so she became my ‘Seat Buddy’ from then on.

Due to the nature of the sessions we had (or perhaps me just being me) we didn’t speak much, but I did notice certain things. She wore a lot of bracelets and often dressed colorfully, and so in my mind, she was always bright and welcoming. She had a nice laugh, and a broad smile; beautiful accents to any beautiful face. When she got bored, she would start scribbling in her paper with little stars and hearts and other random  things. It all came together to form this painting of this happy girl who has been blessed by God to have such a joy springing forth from within her that it invades the lives of those around her. I knew that for sure, her joy was invading me, and I began to look forward to her company during our sessions. This mysterious girl and I had formed some connection; a device of my own imagination I know, but it was still there to me, and I entertained myself with that thought.

Outside of our training sessions, our paths barely crossed, if ever at all. There was the occasional card game,  group conversation or meet up in heading to our respective destinations. I noted her voice in one of our worship sessions, that it sounded nice but I wasn’t really focused on it to say more. Also, there was her clef pendant, so I concluded she likes music, or plays some musical instrument.

It was not till the very last day of our retreat from my world that I realized that I barely new anything of hers. I couldn’t even say that I knew her middle name… where she came from, what she likes, what she dislikes… the fact that my seat buddy and I were nothing more than that haunted me. I had absolutely nothing to take away with me to remember my experience with her, and since we both came from different Universities, it was likely that I would never see her again. Snaking through the bustling activity of everyone getting on the bus departing for our school, I resolved that I should at least say goodbye, especially if I’d never see my seat buddy again. The conversation was short. I hailed her out. She asked if I was leaving. I said yes; she said bye, returning to whatever activity had occupied her on her cell. I turned around, not hurt or disappointed in any way, but appreciative of one simple fact.

There was nothing between us.

Sometimes, we tend to make whims and fancies about people, and let their “first impressions” dominate our thoughts about who they are, and what they mean to us. Perhaps in the way it was stated, she may sound a bit heartless at the end, but she really wasn’t, and I thought it important to state that but getting back to the topic, as you journey with me through this experience, you’ll see for yourself how much of what I saw was true and what was not. Especially if you’re looking to someone to begin starting a relationship, trusting upon their “first impressions” is something you should NEVER do. You need to really get to know someone before you enter a relationship, and trust me; if you mean anything to them like they do you, they’ll wait till the time comes 🙂

So I hope I blessed someone by sharing my experience, and as always, that I live to write you all another one after she sees this :p Stay blessed, stay strong, and stay you! Love you all 🙂

 Image

Matters of ‘her’ heart: Intro

So there is this girl I know that truly puzzles me. For those of you who don’t know (which I am assuming is everyone) I am a person that loves to figure out things. I like to explore, and understand more than to simply know things. For the life of me, my brain refuses to fathom her story. And so, I decided somehow to make this series, on my journey in discovering what her story truly entails, for thus far, it has been one beautiful piece of literature.

It would be a great introduction to share how such a spicy flavor was sprinkled over my life, as it really was a matter of saying yes to Him.

I was selected to enter a position within a Christian group in my University. It is a humble position yes, but curiously ironic, as the very thing I was being called to do was something that I used to avoid during the entire year. God’s sense of humor never ceases to amaze me 😀 I really didn’t want to do it, but I decided, after much prayer, that it was a good way for me to represent J. Christ in my school, so I decided to accept the position.

I knew it would have been a challenge in the year ahead, but I didn’t expect that challenges would arise so suddenly. There was a retreat for training of all the committee members that was carded for the near future, and I had absolutely no money to afford the trip. I told myself that if God wants this for me, He WILL make a way.

And so said, so done.

I managed to come up with the down payment, and paid another one on the rest of the cost in good faith that I would deliver the rest when the time is right, successfully landing on our campsite for the next few days. It was in this campsite, that I first met ‘her’.

Since this is just the introduction, I shall go no further, but I do want to emphasize the importance of saying yes to God. While I am thankful for meeting this crazy person who still baffles me, I realized that saying yes to Him was one of the best decisions of my life. I met great people, saw a glimpse of what God would like to do in me, but most of all, was able to find that passion and love for Him once again.

I thought about the state I was in, and how I left; Ezekiel 36:26 talks about God removing the stone hearts of His people and giving them a heart of flesh, which was a perfect depiction of the “Heart Surgery” that took place in my life. To top it off, that was decided to be our theme for the upcoming year, and is even the inspiration for the name of this blog. It’s as simple as saying yes, that the windows of heaven could be opened onto you!

So we will get into these “matters” in the next entry to this series. I hope it blesses someone out there, and that should said person see this, that I will live to continue talking to you all about her. Pray for my survival!

Love you all with the love of the Lord! Never forget to say yes to Him, and watch and see: He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him! Chao!

Image